


My Dying Breath

by RPGwrites



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Aldecaldos Ending, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, F/F, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Sad Ending, Whump, no cure, vomitting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28651614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RPGwrites/pseuds/RPGwrites
Summary: V has surprised everyone. She has survived not six, but eight months. But now her time is up. She is getting weaker and weaker by the second. But Panam refuses to give up. V can't leave her. Not now. There is still time. There must be another way. But V has to accept that she is dying. It's time to say goodbye.
Relationships: Panam Palmer/Female V
Comments: 9
Kudos: 69





	1. There Has To Be Time

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an idea that has been in my head since I finished the game. At first I thought I didn't want my V to have a cure and wanted to write a fic about how things would end for my V. This is that fic. So it's a heavy angst and sad fic. 
> 
> If you're reading this thank you. Feel free to leave feedback and let me know what you think. I'll love to hear from you. 
> 
> After thinking about it and reading fics I changed my mind and am planning to write a fic that will be about a cure among other things. 
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes I might've missed.

"V don't do this." 

V stopped cleaning her rifle. "Please Panam I can't-"

And it happened again. A fit of coughs stopped her. And when she lifted her hand from her mouth there was blood. 

Before V could do or say anything Panam was at her side. "You're bleeding again. It's getting worse."

"I'm okay," she wiped the blood on her pants. 

Panam stared at her with a knowing look, "No you're not. Even Vik said…"

"I know." With a lot of struggle V got up. The world spun all around her and if she was honest with herself she didn't know if it would ever stop spinning. 

"I can't accept it. I won't." She looked down at her rifle. "I'll keep on fighting at the field until I can't anymore."

Panam stared at her so long that V became worried. But finally she spoke. "Okay, but promise you'll be careful. No risks."

V took her hands and squeezed, "I promise."

Little did V know it would be her last time out in the field. 

* * *

V was hit with another wave of coughs. More coughs. More blood. The room was spinning faster and faster. 

The little energy she had was gone. She didn't know how she would have the strength to get up in the morning but she had to. She needed to prove this to herself. 

"Hey," Panam said as she got into her tent, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm perfect," she lied. "Just getting ready for tomorrow."

"Are you sure you should go V. These last few days have been hard on you."

That was true. She didn't have the energy to do her tasks. She tried but it showed. 

"Yeah," she grunted," I need to." 

Panam's fingers went to her face investigating if she was really okay. "Okay. Want to do something tonight?"

"No," V said with a sigh. She knew she wouldn't be able to fake it infront of Panam. The truth was she was exhausted. "I'm tired. Think I'll turn in soon."

"Alright. I'll leave you to it. If you need something let me know. I still need to do some work with Mitch."

V nodded her head. It felt like someone hit her head with a sledge hammer. 

When Panam left she went to find her meds. If she was honest with herself she didn't even know why she took them anymore. They didn't do a damn thing. 

Panam didn't know though. She couldn't let her. The truth was Panam didn't know how bad things have gotten lately. She has let the doc swear not to tell her. 

She hoped she wouldn't regret tomorrow. 

* * *

It was V's next visit to the doc. One she dreaded. 

_ "It's getting worse." _

She shut her eyes. V was dying. It's been seven months. They told her she had six months and she showed them all what she was made of. 

She survived longer than anyone expected. 

But to accept she was dying was something she simply couldn't do. 

Panam couldn't accept it either. She searched for a cure and even though she promised she would stop V knew she kept going on. She just pretended not to notice. 

She smiled as she remembered the fight they had. 

But it was time to put that to bed. It was time to see the doc. 

When V got there she could tell from his eyes it was bad news. His eyes kept looking at something different. Everything was more interesting than V. But what else could she expect?

What news except bad news were there anymore? 

"V," he started, "I suggest bedrest for you."

"No," she immediately said. There was no chance in hell she was going to lie in bed waiting for it to be over. She was going to keep on fighting. 

"V you're dying."

"Give me more meds. Or something!"

"There's nothing I can do for you."

She shut her eyes. V didn't know what she expected. But not this. "How long?"

He shook his head. "Impossible to say. But you're at the end. It will be painful. Nothing will help and it will only grow to be worse. The end is the worst part."

V took a big breath, "Okay."

"Bedrest."

She shook her head "I can't give up. I need to keep on fighting."

"It's your decision but I don't agree."

Before V left she made him swear not to tell anyone. 

* * *

"What do we know of them?" V asked. Mitch and Panam schouted ahead the day before. 

"Not much. Only that-"

"Shhh." V said. She was sure she heard something, but it could possibly also be her imagination. "Did you hear that?"

"What?"

_ Tick. Tick. Tick.  _

That's when she knew what it was. "Grenade!"

And they ran. 

* * *

It was mere seconds after they began to run that something exploded behind them. Quickly they found cover next to a couple of crates. 

"Dammit," Panam cursed. 

The battle rang in their ears. One shot after the other V took out the enemies. But as time went on she got the more dizzier. 

_ Not now,  _ she hoped. 

She shot again but this time she missed. Her world darkened and darkened. 

"V!" Panam shouted next to her. Another shot ran next to her and the next second she was at her side. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I don't…" a fit of coughs hit her and it stopped her words. Blood was on her hand. "I'm okay." She barely got the words out. 

Panam looked her over and sighed. "You're not hurt,"yet she sounded concerned. "We'll get you out of here." 

Panam peeked out of cover and fired another shot. But everything went sideways. 

"V! Don't you dare fall unconscious!" She shouted. 

But everything went dark. 

* * *

The battle didn't want to get done soon enough for Panam. The enemies were too many. 

She shouldn't have listened to V. V never should have gone out with her. Now she layed here beside her unconscious. 

"Oh V," Panam whispered as she shot her last target. 

Finally the battle was over. The smell of sweat and gunfire reigned the area. But Panam didn't give a damn about any of it. 

"Mitch!" Panam yelled. She touched V's face feeling her. At least she wasn't burning up or anything. 

It felt like an eternity before he got to where she was. 

"What's… Oh shit. What happened?" His eyes were wide seeing the state V was in. 

"She fell unconscious. I think…"

"Say no more." He stopped her. "I'll take care of things here. Let's take her to your Thorton."

* * *

Panam was sitting next to the chair V was laying on. She was hooked onto medical equipment telling how she was doing. All of that told Panam next to nothing. 

V looked so ashen. So unwell. How could things have gotten so badly? Was she in pain right now? How long would she take to wake up. 

"Oh V," Panam barely whispered, "Please be okay. Wake up and be okay? We'll get a cure, just you see."

The last attack was bad. Weeks V couldn't get out of bed. All she did was sleep. It was so bad that the ripperdoc didn't think she would get any better. 

_ "Her six months has gone and went," _ he said,  _ "she might not have much time left." _

But V showed them. She was stronger than they thought and Panam knew she'd show them again. 

Panam took V's hand and smiled as she remembered her strength. "C'mon. You can do this. Show us what you've made of."

But nothing happened and instead she was met with silence. 

* * *

Panam sat in her chair waiting for her to wake up until the ripperdoc showed up. At the sight of him she sat up. "Doc what news do you bring?"

He sighed. Whatever news he had Panam knew it wouldn't be good. "I'm doing some tests but what I've seen thus far is not good."

"No," Panam stood up, "I don't want to hear this."

"She’s running out of time Panam."

"She still has time!" Panam yelled. "We still have to find a cure and she's okay. This attack...it wasn't that bad. She has to be okay."

Panam didn't know who she tried to convince. Was it herself, the doc, maybe an unconscious V? 

The doc touched her shoulder and squeezed, "I'll let you know when I know more."

Panam squeezed her eyes shut. She can't do this anymore. Lying to herself. Knowing that full well the next attack might be the last one. 

She wasn't V. She wasn't strong. 

The ripperdoc left her alone with her fears and thoughts. 

* * *

The next day the ripperdoc came and saw her. Panam was leaning on the table looking over at some plans covering their next heist. 

"Panam."

"Doc." She immediately stood up straight, hoping he had some good news for her. 

"We need to talk."

"Is she awake?"

"No," he sighed. "And with the results I have thus far she might not be for a while. But that's not what I want to talk to you about."

Panam nodded. "Let's go for a walk." 

She led them to the trail she and V usually walked every morning. The view on top was always beautiful and she appreciated the simple things in life. Hearing and seeing nature and enjoying what life has to offer. 

"So what's up?" Panam asked. 

They stopped. "Yesterday I didn't tell you everything. Normally I wouldn't tell you but V seems to be at her last."

"Doc I don't want to hear it."

"You need to. She has been lying to you."

Panam only blinked, "She...what?"

"I'll send you the reports. But the meds don't help anymore. The signs were there. She knew she might die any day."

Panam shook her head in disbelief, "No! She wouldn't...she would have told me."

"She wanted to protect you."

And somehow she knew he was right. But still she told herself V had time. 

* * *

All day Panam worked and all day she thought about what the doc told her. When she got to her tent before dinner she checked out her results.

They weren't good. 

By the time she finished reading them tears was in her eyes. She was angry, disappointed and she felt hurt. Why the hell would V keep this from her?

At dinner she felt sick to her stomach and decided not to eat anything. Instead she went to V.

She was so mad at her yet when she got to her side all of that disappeared because she wasn't doing good. V needed help and she needed it now. 

But was there anything they could do for her? 

_ No.  _ She shook her head.  _ This was not the end.  _ Panam refused to believe that. So she took V's hand. 

"Hey V," she sighed, not sure what her next words should be. "Dammit why didn't you tell me?"

Perhaps she was still angry. 

"I would've understood. We could've talked about it but no you had to keep it all to yourself. Dammit V I thought we decided no secrets!"

Immediately Panam felt guilty. Here she was saying no secrets but that's exactly what she did. She kept her own secrets from V. 

Even though she promised she wouldn't search for a cure that's exactly what she did. But that was totally different. Or that’s what she told herself. 

"V," she choked, "I wished you told me." She chuckled, "Then I wouldn't have let you go on the mission. That's probably why you didn't tell me."

"Oh V. Please wake up."

* * *

Days passed but still V didn't wake up. She didn't even moan or groan. 

The ripperdoc even contacted Vik with his findings but it was no good news. Both were positive. V was out of time. She was nearing the end. 

But it was all lies. It had to be. A cure was on its way. V just had to hold on a little longer. 

Nobody believed her. Everyone said she should wake up, make her peace with it. But Panam refused to do that. 

"How are you holding up?" Mitch sat beside her giving her a lemonde. 

She checked it out as if it was poison."No beer?"

"Thought lemonade would do you some good."

She took it and chuckled. "Thanks Mitch."

"You haven't answered my question though."

Panam led out a heavy sigh. "She's not waking up. She's not getting any better. But they're wrong. This is not the end. It can't be."

Mitch gave his friend a sympathetic smile, "What if it's it?"

"No." Panam refused to believe that. "This is just a bad one."

"Okay."

She was thankful that unlike the rest Mitch didn't tell her she was wrong. Even if he might have not believed her. 

"I'm worried, though," Panam said as they were met with silence. "This one is really bad. All the results are bad. The last one… I don't know how this one will leave her."

"You'll be there for her. She'll be okay."

Panam looked away. She couldn't look at him. If she did she knew she would cry. "It's not fair. She shouldn't have to suffer all this pain." Panam choked her words out. Her throat burned, the tears threatened to come out. 

"Hey," Mitch squeezed her hand, "I know. You're doing everything you can."

She pulled away. "But it's not enough, is it? It's been 8 months and no cure. I'm no closer than I started. And what's worse she doesn't want me to find it." 

"She understands that."

Panam frowned at that, "You think she knows I never stopped?"

"Oh, believe me she knows. She won't tell you though."

"I don't know. She was damn mad the last time." 

* * *

Panam was working on her computer looking down the last information Vik sent her about the cure. 

"What the hell Panam!?"

Panam almost jumped twice her size. Quickly she exited the message from Vik hoping V didn't see it. 

"What?"

V crossed her arms across her chest. "Closing it won't make a difference, you know."

Her heart skipped a beat. She hoped V didn't know but in her heart she knew it was all in vain. V wouldn't have reacted like she did if she didn't know. 

Panam just shrugged, acting as if it was nothing. "It was just work. Nothing to be concerned about." She gave her a smile hoping that would be able to assure her. 

"Cut the crap Panam. I know."

She shut her eyes. There was no use denying it now. She rubbed her temple. "How?"

"Figured it out. Talked to Vik." V gave a dark chuckle, "He denied it too. You two really are besties now."

"Shit V. It's not like that."

V was mad. Smoke was coming from her nostrils. "Like what? Like going behind my back, searching for a cure I don't want.?! What else is that?"

"Okay, it is. But dammit V, "she held onto her shoulders, "I don't want to lose you. You can't expect me waiting for you to die. I won't!"

V narrowed her eyes. "It's my life. My body. You don't get a say. Dammit you know why I don't want to search for it."

"You don't have to," Panam countered, "Let me do that for you. C'mon V."

V shook her head. "I expected this from anyone else, but not you. I thought you respected my choice."

And V left. 

* * *

Panam chuckled, "After that she didn't talk to me for days. She was so mad at me. Disappointed." She sighed, "Sometimes…"

"Sometimes?"

Panam stared at him for a good while. "Sometimes I get to thinking, is it worth it? The cure? Will we ever get it in time?"

Mitch gave her a smile to that. "I can't answer that. She understands why you keep looking for it."

She nodded. "How do you know she knows?"

Mitch chuckled, "I just do. It's obvious. Being around her long enough and you get to know her."

Panam bit her bottom lip, "What if I failed? What if it's too late and I focussed on the wrong things? What if this is really the end?"

"Then we'll take things from there."

"I don't…" she shook her head. She refused to let the tears come out. "I can't lose her. Without her I can't lead this family."

Mitch squeezed her hand. "You know there's a chance you'll lose her. If it comes to that you'll be okay."

"No I won't."

And there was no way to stop the tears anymore. 


	2. No Time Left

V moaned as her world of pain got clearer. Everything was blurry and hazy. Nothing made sense. 

"Hey," someone said and she knew she recognized that voice. She just couldn't put her finger on it. "It's okay."

"It...hurts…" Her hand went to her temple but even that took too much out of her. She blinked her eyes hoping that would help but it didn't. 

"I know."

But everything spinned faster and faster. Until all she saw was darkness. 

* * *

"And?" Panam asked the ripperdoc as he looked V over. 

"I don't know what to tell you. She's not any better."

"But she woke up," she countered, "That has to count for  _ something _ ."

"We'll keep an eye on her. But that doesn't mean it's good news Panam. Nothing changed. I'd recommend getting a second opinion."

Panam nodded. She agreed. "I'll call Vik and see what he has to say."

She left the ripperdoc's tent with a heavy heart. She didn't get the news that she’d hoped for. 

On her way everyone greeted her. Everyone was friendly but she was in no mood for any of it. All she wanted was for V to get better. For her not to die. 

When she got to her tent she sent him a message immediately. She hoped he would agree to come. 

They needed him and they needed him now. 

* * *

In the next couple of days V kept waking up but she was in a lot of pain and she was delirious. The good news at least was that Vik was coming in a few days, but he wasn’t very optimistic. 

“What do you think?” Panam called after a couple of days. 

“Your ripperdoc if correct the next time she might flatline.”

“No.” She refused to believe that. “There must be something you must be missing. There’s something we must be doing!” Panam was pacing in her tent. She didn’t know what else to do. 

“I’m sorry Panam. As I promised I’ll come and take a look. But…”

And that’s when it hit her. Vik had alternative motives for seeing V. “You’re not here for a checkup. You’re here to say goodbye.”

He was silent for a moment. But it dragged on and on. “You have to accept that Panam. We all do. She survived longer than any of us expected to. We worked together. We tried to find a cure and failed. There’s nothing we can do.”

“No.” Panam shook her head. “I’m not about to leave her to die.”

* * *

“I…” Everything hurt. Something stabbed the base of her skull again and again. “What…”

“V!” Someone shouted. She was pretty sure it was Panam but she couldn’t be sure with all the ringing in her ears. “Oh V. Please tell me you’re awake this time.”

Everything was blurry and everything spun around but the more she blinked the clearer everything got. “Hey,” she whispered. She didn’t have the strength to do anything else. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Like someone is drilling into my skull.”

“You’ll feel like that.”

She smiled as she recognized that voice anywhere. “Vik. What are you doing here?” 

V would’ve turned her head if it wouldn’t have hurt so badly. 

“Thought it’s time to visit.”

V’s heart stopped.  _ That meant…. _

She couldn’t believe she ran out of time already. 

“Panam can you leave us?”

The other woman smiled, “Sure I’ll just be outside.”

V and Vik gave her a moment to leave and Vik took a seat on a chair. 

It felt like forever that Panam’s feet got to the flap of the tent. Forever that V got a chance to speak. She knew it was very bad. 

“It’s bad, isn’t it?”

The chair creaked under his weight as he shifted uncomfortably, “I’m sorry V. I wished I had better news.”

V’s face scrunched up in pain as another wave hit her. “You’re here to say goodbye, aren’t you?” her voice crooked at that. She thought she would’ve been stronger when the time came. Not this weak and weary. She didn’t want things to end like this. 

“That wasn’t the plan but when Panam called…”

She bit her lip and nodded. “I don’t want to die Vik. Shit I’m scared.”

“I know.” He squeezed her hand. For the second time he went through this with her. 

V rubbed her eyes as tears threatened to come. Her throat burned. “Dammit, this is not fair, putting this on you. I know you don’t do this.You’re not this feely touchy person and now I’m putting this on you.”

“It’s okay V. I’ll be here for a couple of days. You need anything you can come and find me.”

* * *

“Hey,” Panam said as she took a seat again, “ How are you feeling?”

V tried to sit up and frowned. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn’t. “Like shit. I’m in pain and I’m…”

“You’re what V?”

“Dammit Panam I’m dying, okay?”

“Hey, I didn’t tell you but I’m still searching for a cure we can-”

“Stop. Just… For crying out loud I can’t do this anymore.” V’s words were merely a whisper but she might as well shouted. She looked Panam in the eyes and she saw the same thing. Fear. They both were afraid. V just wasn’t sure who was afraid the most. 

“No.” Panam shook her head. She took V’s hand. “We’ll figure something out. You’re not dying on me.”

“I’m…” V coughed and this one was bad. She pointed at a bucet and didn’t think it would get there soon enough. Soon she puked blood and it felt like it was all the blood in her body. 

Panam was there. Comforting her, rubbing circles on her back. Finally when it was done she gave her some tissues to wipe the left over blood on her mouth. 

She lay back and she pinched the bridge of her nose, “I’m so tired.” V hoped Panam knew more than physical.

She was tired of her condition. Tired of dying. Tired of their fights. Tired emotionally and physically. All in all V was just tired. 

Panam took a deep breath, “Don’t do this V. I need you. I can’t…” Her voice broke and tears began to fall in the corner of her eyes. “I can’t do this.”

Before V could say anything else a wave of pain hit her. “I don’t want to leave either. I have no choice in the matter.”

For the moment V and Panam sat there in silence.

* * *

The next couple of days were hard. It was painful. V even began having seizures. But most of the time she was asleep. 

It was both the fastest and slowest time. Panam was always there. Mitch visited a lot. Many came. And even for the time Vik was her doc again. She appreciated it. But she saw the looks. They were feeling sorry for her. 

They all knew one thing. V’s time was up. 

One day Panam visited again. She was away just getting fresh clothes and washing herself. But at that moment a wave of fear with the pain washed over V.

She wasn’t ready to die yet. 

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Mmh?”

“Do…” V cleared her throat. The question was more difficult for her than she expected. “Do you think people are ready when they die?”

Panam frowned. V could tell she didn’t want to have this conversation. “What do you mean?”

V took a deep breath, “I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t…”

“Oh V.” Panam squeezed the hand that wasn’t under the covers. “That’s okay. We can…” She stopped as she must’ve realized she couldn’t continue that sentence. 

It’s been days but still Panam couldn’t accept the fact that V was in fact dying. 

Panam looked down and bit her bottom lip, “I don’t know what to tell you.” Then she sighed. “What you’re going through… I can’t begin to imagine how hard that must be for you. All I can say is that I’ll be there every step of the way.”

Perhaps that was enough. 

“I’m afraid Panam. It scares me.” 

It wasn’t that V didn’t believe in something beyond death. She did. She believed there was a god. V believed in God, in Jesus. She believed there was a place called heaven. She just wasn’t sure she was ready for all that. So she continued. 

“These past few months I ignored the fact I’m dying and now I can’t ignore it anymore. That scares me more than I can say. There’s nothing I can do about this.”

V could tell Panam didn’t know what to say to that. 

“You know it’s funny,” V began to say again. 

“What is.”

“My plan was to be a merc, make my success, become a fixer, then the bio-chip happened. Isn’t that funny?”

But Panam wasn’t laughing. None of this was funny at all, “Do you regret any of this?”

“No not one bit.”

None of them spoke of who was on their mind. Johnny. 

* * *

“How is she holding up?” Panam asked as Vik checked on a sleeping V.

He gave a loud sigh, “She’s doing worse everyday. The pain meds aren't working anymore. Soon nothing will. In the last days she will be in a lot of pain.

“More than now?”

Panam saw how V was suffering. She hated it. She desperately wished she could somehow take her pain away. 

Vik stared at her grimly, “Yes. I’m afraid so. There’s nothing we can do for her anymore.”

“Are you sure?”

“Look,” he touched her shoulder, “I know it’s hard for you to accept but soon you’ll need to come to terms with it. V is at her end.”

Panam nodded her head. She still didn’t want to accept it. Part of her still wanted to fight. But another part of her understood. “I understand. Are you done?”

“Yes. Just finishing up here. You should get some rest.”

“I will.” She took a seat next to V’s chair. “I just want to sit by her for awhile. 

“Alright.”

While Vik packed up his things for the day Panam’s eyes traced all the pipes and tubes that went into V. This was no life. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t the way things should have ended. 

Mikoshi should have worked. V’s body shouldn’t have rejected her and only gave her 6 months to live. She deserved better. Or they should have found a cure. 

When Panam blinked again she was alone in the darkened room. She sighed and held V’s hand. “Oh V. I’m sorry we have argued a lot.” She chuckled as she realized how stupid this really was. She should say this while she is awake not while she’s asleep. “I just can’t let you go. And yes I’ve said that a lot. But I hope you stay with us a little while longer. I need you. Please stay longer.”

And Panam stayed there until it was time for dinner. 

* * *

The next few days V felt worse and worse. She also felt a lot weaker. All she did was sleep. Which was why when she finally had the opportunity to speak with Panam she did. 

“Panam.”

She barely whispered her name. All energy left her. These days she couldn’t even use her voice properly. 

“Mmh?” It took her a while to realize V spoke. “Oh shit V. You’re awake.” Panam almost jumped from happiness.”

“Can you do me a favour?” V didn’t have the energy to have that same level of happiness Panam had. 

“Of course anything.”

“Actually two,” she gave a weak chuckle. “One I want to go for a walk.”

“V,” Panam immediately sounded negative, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“When I’m stronger.” She gave a weak smile and hoped it was reassuring enough. “Two. Did you know I grew up in this town nearby?”

“You’re kidding?”

“No,” V gave another weak chuckle. “I want my ashes to be buried in the town’s cemetery.”

She could see how her heart fell. “V, please don’t…”

“Please,” V begged, “We need to talk about these kinds of things.”

“It’s not fair,” Panam choked, “I’m losing you. Seeing you like this. In pain. While there are such awful people in this world. Why the hell does it have to be you?”

“Hey,” V barely could get the word out this time, “It’ll be okay.”

“No it won’t. Not without you.” Tears were flowing on Panam’s cheeks. “I...can’t without...you,” she choked the words out.”

“You can. Look at what you accomplished.”

V was still afraid but slowly but surely that fear was fading. Was this it? Was she beginning to be ready to die?

“It was with you,”Panam said in between tears. “Damiit,” she wiped away her tears. “I wasted it all on a cure. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I understand. If it worked…” She stopped. V couldn’t go down that road. Not for her or Panam’s sake. It wasn’t worth it. 

“It would’ve been pretty damn amazing.”

“V smiled at that. “Indeed.”

* * *

“Hey,” Panam almost jumped at the sound of someone walking in. 

She rubbed her eyes and looked up. “What- Mitch. What are you doing?”

“Checking up on you. Let’s go for a walk.”

The cool air was refreshing. Panam truly needed this more than she realized. It was also the chance to let it all go. 

“She’s going to die.” She finally admitted. 

“I’m sorry Panam.”

“She’s going to leave me all alone and die. I can’t… I spent all this time on the cure and for what?”

“Pan. Hey.” He embraced her in a tight hug, “It’s going to be okay.”

But it wasn’t okay. It was never going to be okay. 

****

The next day V decided it was time to say her goodbyes. She called Mama Welles first. They talked about Jackie and the good old days. Then she told her she was dying. Mama Welles asked if there was nothing they could do, but she assured her her illness only got worse. 

Next she called River. She told him she was dying. She thanked him for being a good friend. He thanked her for the time she helped him and assured her if there was anything he could do that she shouldn’t hesitate to call. 

Next it was Misty.

“Hey Misty,” she said when she picked up.

“Hey V. Was just thinking about you.”

“Oh okay. Listen I’m calling to…” Saying goodbye to a really good friend was harder than she thought. It wasn’t like Misty was dying. V was. So why was it so hard? “I’m calling to say goodbye.”

“It’s time?”

“Yeah,” V sighed, “We all knew it would come to this. Panam’s contacts didn’t help. There was no cure.”

“I’m sorry V. I had hoped for better news.”

V needed to talk about something else. Enough about her dying. Misty’s life had to be better than hers. She started some place new other than NC afterall. 

“So how’s things with you?”

And they started to talk about new things. Better things. 

* * *

“Let’s go for a walk.” V suggested one day.

“V.” Anyone could hear Panam didn’t think it was a good idea at all. “You’re not doing well at all.”

“I’m doing great.” V saying it with as much positivity as she could possibly muster but it wasn’t a lot. 

“V.”

“C’mon.” Slowly she sat upright from the chair but all of the muscles in her body refused to work together. It all hurt. Her body was refusing her and the signs were all there. “I’ll…” she grunted. “Be fine.” When she was finally off the chair she collapsed.

“V! You can’t!”

“Please,” she begged, “I need to get out.”

Panam stared at her for a moment before speaking,“Okay we’ll get you a wheelchair.” 

So Panam left and got one with the help of Vik and didn’t take long to return. Slowly but surely they got her on it. 

V’s muscles were stiff, her body didn’t want to work together and it was cold. She asked for her aldecaldos jacket. She found comfort in it. Together they walked through camp. Panam led her.

It was nice people saying hi to her and talking to her and soon she and Panam got to a quiet spot. 

“Thanks Panam.”

“For what?” She was confused not being sure what it was about. 

“You’re the only person who accepts me for me. You accepted the way I love people and I appreciate it.”

Months ago V told that part of herself to Panam and she was one of the only people who accepted her. 

She gave her a warm smile, “We all love people differently.”

“Yeah I guess so.” V looked ahead of her. It was nice being outside like this. She enjoyed the sun on her face. Weeks now she has been in a tent not being strong enough for the outside. 

“Are you still afraid?”

They both knew what Panam talked about. These last few days their conversations weren’t so tense. It was better. They both were feeling better. Or perhaps it was just her. 

V squeezed her hand, “No. I’m not. I feel at peace.I just don’t want the pain anymore”

“Oh V,” Panam whispered, “I wish you didn’t have to suffer.”

V smiled and squeezed her hand. “Thanks for always being there.” 

* * *

V was sitting alone one night as there was still one person she hadn't said goodbye to. 

“Johnny?” She started. “Man. I haven’t talked to you in months. Tried not to think about you in a long time. But I think it is time.”

Something dripped down her nose and when she felt it she saw it was blood. She took a tissue and wiped it off. “Anyway, I miss you so much. So much that I’m talking to you outloud. How crazy is this? But I guess this is goodbye. I said goodbye to everyone else.”

“Even though the bio-chip is the reason I’m dying, that the bullet is the reason I’m dying, I won’t change it for the world. None of it. It’s been amazing. You’ve changed my life all of it. I guess all that I want to say is I miss you. I wish things could’ve been better.”

“Goodbye Johnny.”

* * *

Throughout the next few days V only got weaker and weaker. They thought at times they lost her. But luckily she was still with them.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered one night. 

“What?” Panam asked.

“About Saul about everything.”

“Hey it’s okay. Get some rest. You need it.”

But she didn’t. They talked and talked. Until V drew her last breath. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. 
> 
> Feel free to come and say hi on [ Tumblr ](https://rpgwrites.tumblr.com/).


	3. Letting Go

The hardest part about V was waking up and knowing there was no V to go to. 

Panam wanted to rush as she usually did to see her but there was no use. V was gone. She left her alone.

She shut her eyes as tears began to fall. "You're really gone," she whispered. 

Panam couldn't believe she was gone. The V that always had a smile on her face even at the last moments. The V that helped anyone out in need. She was just gone. 

How the hell was Panam to lead this family now?

She crawled back to bed as she continued to sob. 

* * *

The next few days were hard. Arranging V's funeral was harder than Panam thought it would be. 

First she had to let everyone know V had died. She couldn't take everyone feeling sorry for her. Everyone knew how close she and V were. 

So Panam sat by her and V's favourite spot. They would hike up here and enjoy their lunch together. She smiled as she remembered the happier times together. 

Until Mitch showed up. 

Panam's smile faded. Usually she was happy to see her friend but she knew what he was going to say and she didn't want to hear it. 

She didn't want to hear how this wasn't her fault and how everything would be okay. Nothing was okay. She lost the closest person to her. No one could replace V. 

Instead of Panam spending all the time she could with V she spent it on a cure that never came. She should have listened and just left it. Why the hell did she have to be that stubborn?

"I don't want to hear it Mitch."

"Just wanted to see if you're doing okay."

Panam gave a dark chuckle, "Oh. I'm so far from doing okay."

"I get that."

She narrowed her eyes. He couldn't possibly. "No you don't. She's gone and now I have to arrange her funeral. Why?!"

"Can't answer that."

"What good is that then?" Panam was angry. At what she wasn't sure anymore. Defnitely V. She left. But Mitch too? "Nobody has the answers to my damn questions. All they have is their sorry's. Well it isn't good enough!"

"Look Panam," he looked calm. Too calm for the raging storm Panam had in her heart. "I understand you're angry and you have every right to be. You lost someone close to you." 

"You don't understand. She was taken from this world too soon. It's not…" Panam sighed. "We should've found a way. We should've done something."

Mitch reached out to her hand and squeezed, "You did everything you could."

Panam squeezed her eyes shut and looked away from him. Tears were threatening to spill. Her throat burned. She bit her lip. "I wasn't ready," she whispered.

"What?"

"In the end," she began to clarify, "V was ready to go. But I wasn't."

_ And I'm not ready to let go and say goodbye.  _

Mitch nodded. "Nobody can blame you for that. It's difficult. No one can be ready to lose the people they care about."

At that she looked at him again, "So it won't ever get any better?"

What did she want? Did she want it to get better? She didn't know. Would that mean forgetting V because that's the last thing she wanted. 

"As you go on it will hurt less."

"And if I don't…" Panam sighed. That question wouldn't come out right. "I want to remember V. The V who she was. Who fought until the bitter end."

"And you'll remember her," Mitch reminded her. 

Panam took a big breath. "I wish she was still here. Brightening everyone's day. I wish I didn't have to arrange her funeral."

Mitch squeezed her hand, "Whatever you need. We're here for you."

* * *

_ Whatever you need. We're here for you.  _

Mitch's words stayed with Panam but she didn't feel them. They felt hollow. And when the funeral came she felt so alone. 

Everyone who cared for V was there. Vik stayed though he made himself scarce until the funeral. Some of the people that were close to V she didn't recognize but she appreciated their words. 

They talked about how great V was and what she did in life. They talked about the times she had with her friend Jackie. 

Panam smiled as she remembered how V used to talk about Jackie. He really was family to V.

But when everyone left Panam was just left with emptiness and an urn. 

Tomorrow Panam would need to go into town and fulfill a promise. 

She shut her eyes. 

It was time to let go.

* * *

Panam saw the place V grew up in. It wasn't much different than NC. Yet it was so much different. The city was alive and wasn't aware of the loss Panam felt in her heart. 

Placing her urn was difficult but she did it and afterwards the drive home was unbearable. 

She said nothing to V at the cemetery so when she got home she went to their favourite spot. 

"Hey V." She felt stupid speaking to the open air. But it felt much better than speaking to V's ashes. 

"I did it. Your ashes are safe. Town's nice too. Better than Night City." She chuckled as she thought back to the good old times she had with V. Night City wasn't all bad. And it was thanks to V. 

"I miss you V," she admitted, "I know it hasn't been long but it's weird without you. It's time to let go. I know. If you were here you would've told me that. But I can't."

"One day perhaps. But not today."

* * *

It was weeks later that they needed to pack up. It was time for the Aldecaldos to leave. But Panam wasn't ready. Not yet. 

She felt like she was abandoning V. This was her favourite place they landed in thus far. And now they were leaving. 

The people were puzzled. Panam knew. Usually she was the first to say they should pack up and leave. But she couldn't. 

"We need to go Panam," Mitch told her for the upteenth time. 

"I know," she finally said. 

The time they should have left was when V was sick but Panam even refused then for her to be moved. V was too weak. And Panam wouldn't have dared to move her back then. 

But this meant all one thing. 

It was time to go through V's stuff.

It was another thing Panam didn't think she could do. Everyday she woke up expecting to see V yet she was nowhere to be found. Everyday she had to remind herself that she's gone. That Panam failed. She fought so hard to find a cure yet she couldn't. 

And now opening her things. She just couldn't do it. 

Panam stood a few meters away from V's tent. Her heart beat out of her throat. Her breath was too loud. Everything slowed down. 

_ I can't do this.  _

But she needed to do it. At the very least she needed to pack V's things to see what needed to come with them. 

She took another deep breath and walked into her tent. 

* * *

Panam has gone through V's stuff. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as all of this reminded her of V. 

"Why the hell did you do this!" Panam shouted angrily. 

It was mere moments after that she heard footsteps. "Panam?"

"Dammit," she cursed in a whisper. She wiped her tears and looked up to find Mitch. 

"You need any help?" He sat on the ground next to her. 

She shook her head, "No," she took a deep breath, trying to stop herself from crying any further. "I need to do this."

"You don't need to do this on your own. V was a friend of all of us."

"But that's what she wanted, right? To leave me alone with all of this!" She showed towards the whole tent. "To deal with this."

"Panam, you know that isn't true."

"Why did she have to go?" She asked this question so many times. And not only to herself but to her friend Mitch as well. 

"You know I can't answer that." 

She sighed, "I know. I just can't do this. I mean look at this." She grabbed V's Aldecaldos jacket. "This is from where she joined the family. How can I get rid of this?"

"And I know we all have one," she continued, "But so many of her things have meaning. I'm not sure if I'm ready to give any of it away. I don't think I'll ever be able to."

"So don't."

"What about space."

"We'll make space. Look Panam it's been weeks. Nobody is going to forget about V. No one will expect you to get rid of her things. So," he said as he got up, "Let me help you and we can pack this up."

"Mitch I don't know."

"I know I didn't know V as well as you did but she wouldn't want you to be alone in this."

Panam wasn't sure. It felt like the exact opposite. She was so angry at V. So angry that she left her. That she left them. But maybe Mitch was right. Maybe she didn't have to do this all by herself. 

* * *

It was time to leave. To leave all this behind but Panam still had to say goodbye to V one last time. 

"V," she said when she got to the top of their favourite spot. "This is goodbye."

"Thank you for everything. These eight months have been so amazing. But now it's time to leave."

Panam sighed, "You don't know how much I wish you were still here with us. How many regrets I have. How much I wish I spent that time rather with you than searching for a cure. Or that we have gotten a cure and everything would be okay. But I know I have to stop with that."

"I'm not ready to let go. And I won't now. I'll never forget you. Thank you for being the short while in my life that you have been. It's been amazing."

Panam went down the trail with a heavy heart. It was time to move again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to come and say hi on [ Tumblr ](https://rpgwrites.tumblr.com/).

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come and say hi on [ Tumblr ](https://rpgwrites.tumblr.com/).


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